Back to my happy place…

When going through chemo treatments, the days following each session were relatively consistent. I knew about which day that I would feel my worst, which I would start to feel better, when the metal taste began to disappear, when my appetite started to come back, etc. Each treatment I would focus on the recovery days; the good days where I knew I would start to feel better again. Having these “end” dates in my head helped me to focus on them.  They were my goal dates. I knew that if I could stay strong and get through the hardest days, that the good days were waiting for me at the end.  Every treatment has helped me to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanted to take this same approach after surgery. I knew that surgery would be challenging and I knew the recovery would be long. But I also knew that I would eventually start to feel better, one day at a time. After chatting with a fellow survivor, who had surgery in December, I learned that she was at the beach within the first week after surgery. I don’t recall the exact day she went after her surgery but I knew that was the goal that I wanted to set for myself…a visit to my happy place.

I didn’t want to push myself too hard so I decided my goal was to be at the beach by Saturday. Even if it was for a few minutes and even if I didn’t get out of the car, my goal was to be there.

So today, that’s where we headed. It took some extra preparations but we made it!

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The beach continues to cleanse my soul and clear my head. It is my happy place and being there with people I love makes the day even more special.

It was a short visit because the rain met us there soon after we arrived. I am tired and sore from the little bit of walking that we did. But it was worth it. To feel the wind blowing, smell the salt in the air, hear the waves crashing and see the waves moving as they rolled up the sand…made for a perfect day.

I hope you all are able to spend some time at your happy place this weekend with people you love! 💚

The coming days

As my surgery quickly approaches, the reality of what is about to happen is sinking in.  I am confident in my decision and feel that it is the right thing to do for me and my body.  I am as ready as I am going to be.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done, the insurance calls are mostly done…now it’s time to wait.

Waiting is hard. Every snuggle, every hug, every time I pick up my sweet boy, a small part of me hurts for all of the weeks that I won’t be able to do just that. Each time I wash a dish or toss clothes in the washer, I feel bad that I won’t be able to help around the house while recovering.  It’s hard to think about just resting during recovery and not being able to contribute to the every day activities in our home.

I worry about the emotional impact surgery will have on me. It’s hard to know exactly how I will feel when I wake up.

Then I remind myself that I am doing this so that I can continue to live a long, healthy and cancer free life.  It will be a long few days but my life after will be longer. And that’s what’s important.

The next few days will be filled with family time. Snuggles, hugs, maybe a few belly laughs and beach…a little time together to soothe the soul before this next phase. Here’s to a great weekend, everyone!

Giving up

I woke up at 2am with another hot flash and the inability to fall immediately back to sleep. I sat up, with my head in my hands, and had a thought. I don’t want to do this anymore. I sighed. I hate this.

The thought lingered for a moment and in my hot, sleepy daze I thought about what that meant. What would it mean to not do another round of chemo? What would it mean to give in to my cancer? What would it mean to say I’m done?

It would mean giving up.

In that moment, despite the pain in my bones, the fog in my head and the queasiness of my stomach, I was angry. I was angry at my cancer, at my chemo, at my hot flashes…but mostly at myself. Giving up has never been – and will never be – an option. The thought isn’t allowed here.

Yes, these days and nights are hard right now.

Yes, this journey has a long and winding road ahead.

Yes, I am scared.

Yes, I am still fighting.

No, I will not give up.

This morning my little man woke up snuggled next to me in bed and started dancing. His eyes weren’t even open yet but he was wiggling his little tooshie to the sound of the song in his heart. I am reminded of the song that was in my heart on Thursday.

Today will be a great day.

Because I am here.

Because I feel a little better every day.

Because I am blessed.

Because I am loved.

Today will be a great day – because I will make sure it is.

Tell me, dear friends, how will you make your day great?