My apologies for the late post…

It’s been a long week post surgery. The surgery itself went quite well and frankly, I felt wonderful for the remainder of that day and most of the next. Then the weekend came and it was back to the insane headaches that leave me in tears in bed for days. I finally decided through gritted teeth and tear stained cheeks that it was time for a hospital trip. It’s not that I thought cancer was taking over my entire body but something has to give with the way that I’ve been feeling lately. 

Joe called my oncologist and spoke to him Sunday. As it turns out, my nurse practitioner was doing her rounds at the hospital that we were planning to go to so she was able to set up all of the admissions paperwork and initial consults for me so that there wasn’t any waiting around and I was guaranteed a bed. So, a bit of light packing later while Jacob finished a nap and we were on our way. I won’t lie, the ride there was horrible and the idea of an ambulance each way quite tempting but I thought better against it. We dropped little man off with Grandma (he was a little too quick to say good bye to us and go play) and went to check ourselves in.

We’ve only been here since Sunday night but I had my first official brain MRI with tissue expanders removed – wahoo!! I had a breast MRI when initially diagnosed to confirm tumor placement but that’s all folks. A brain MRI was exciting and nerve racking to finally have done. And guess what? It’s ALL CLEAR!!!  That’s right – I said it – ALL CLEAR!! TOTALLY STABLE FROM ANY BREAST CANCER IN MY BRAIN!! How awesome is that?! God is good, my friends. God is GOOD

Now, that doesn’t quite tell us what is causing the headaches – the horrible, debilitating headaches – but it does tell us that it’s not from a tumor in my brain. Hallelujah!
There is talk about wanting to do a spinal tap / lumbar puncture to grab a sample of the spinal fluid to be tested for infection or cancer. There is also the possibility of the headaches being a side effect of taking Afinitor or Afinitor mixed with Xeloda. So for now we are taking a break from those to see if it helps. Basically, we are trying a bit of everything to see what helps…which I’m ok with because of how unbelievable these have been!

We have received an incredible outpouring of love and support over this last week – even when folks didn’t know what was happening in our lives. We can’t thank you all enough for every drop of that LOVE!!!

Almost all of the crosses that have been ordered have already been shipped and received – I’m just LOVING the pictures showing up of them, keep them coming! Please send me a message if you think you should have received yours by now and haven’t.  💚

I’m not entirely sure when I’ll be released but I anticipate being behind on life a bit when I am out. I also know I’m behind on responding to texts, emails and messages so I am sorry already for that. I appreciate your patience as I work to get caught up, though it will take time. I feel like “relaxing” in the hospital should be just that….but it’s not. I spend the day covering my face from these insane headaches, trying different combinations of medications to to stop them, figuring out what to eat  without vomiting and trying to sleep in between. Blech.

Thank you for your continued prayers, support and love. 💚💚💚

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God Winks…

I have been a believer in God Winks for many years. I remember when I was around 18 or 19 & I read a teeny-tiny book about God Winks. It explained them in plain terms for me & provided examples that I could relate to in my own life. Some examples were simple, perhaps opening a book – particularly the Bible – to the exact passage that you needed to hear in that moment. Or something bigger like an unexpected visit or gift that answered your unspoken question. Sometimes they were shown as a way to remind me or show me that I made the right choice.

Once you change your way of thinking to start seeing these winks sent by God, they seem to be more noticeable. They were likely always there but it was a matter of changing your thought process to ensure that you can pick them out. It’s not something that is necessarily seen in the moment, although that certainly happens, but often times it’s thinking back over the last week or month and realizing just how many – and how BIG – God Winks surrounded you.

I’ve been thinking back over the weeks of this year. I was struggling with making a particular decision and over-thinking it, as I often do. Without realizing it at the time, every question or hesitation that I had was answered or removed as a non-issue. Before it was even time to make a decision, the decision was made for me because the God Winks laid out the answer for me by eliminating every possible burden or roadblock. There wasn’t a choice to make because the path was laid out before me.

This week has been filled with blessings. Many I have written about and others that I haven’t, but this entire week was filled with tears of pure happiness and joy. I can’t fathom what I have ever done to deserve the incredible blessings that my family and I have received. 

I won’t pretend this week was easy, because it wasn’t. I had my fair share of frustrations, I have been in continuous discomfort, my tumor markers are rising, my fluid output isn’t getting lower (850 ml on Friday) and my energy levels are the lowest that I’ve ever seen them. I have a lot of decisions to make, a long list of to-dos and I can’t seem to catch up on life, despite making more room for me to handle life.

But…I think back to the blessings of this week and I smile. They overshadow any of the down moments that I have had. They make me smile and make my heart feel full. These God Winks remind me that I am on the right path in life. No, it’s not perfect and yes, I have a lot of things to do (I am stalking UPS and anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new planner that I hope will help me to organize my life!).

But I must be doing something right. If these God Winks – these amazing blessings – show me nothing else, they show me that I am headed down the right path in life…the path that I am meant to be on.

💚

“I will bring you butterflies”

Every year for the week of Valentine’s Day, Jacob’s school has a Heart Art Sale. All the kids in school create a special piece of artwork (thanks to the amazing teachers!) and the art goes for sale to the parents for $5 each. As part of this sale, the kids learn about what philanthropy means and the proceeds are donated to a charity.

This year, Jacob’s school surprised us in a BIG way. They decided to donate all of the proceeds from the Heart Art sale to the Rallying for Red Phoenix fundraiser! They even bought Jacob’s artwork for us!  As if that isn’t enough to make me cry, an anonymous donor asked to match all of the proceeds from the sale. Wow. There are no words to express how this has made us feel. His school made us promise not to use the money towards any adulting – just something FUN for our family. They even suggested a weekend away at the beach – how perfect does that sound?!

Throughout this entire week, the school celebrated Spirit Week. They wore a different color each day and learned what it means to be a philanthropist. They have spent the whole week decorating the school with all of the art they have been working on this week, as the Heart Art artwork pieces are sold.

On Thursday, we picked up Jacob to find that the entire lobby was decorated as the Red Phoenix Beach! Each classroom chose a different piece of beach themed art to make and each child created their own masterpiece. They took all of these amazing pieces of art and created a beach – just for me. And wow, is it incredible.  The imagination, the vision and the depth of dreams that these children have is amazing. Truly amazing.

Then there was today. The color of the day was green and it was Red Phoenix Day!  Everyone wore green – many even wore a Red Phoenix shirt! Walking into the school today, I couldn’t help but smile with tear filled eyes. Seeing the incredible beach pictures, the art work made by all of the different classes and everyone – kids, parents & children – wearing GREEN…for me. Every time I thanked someone they responded by telling me that they should be thanking me, for being an inspiration to them. I’m just me. It’s you all that are so amazing.

Picking up Jacob tonight, the director stopped to tell us that she had a surprise for us and to stop on the way out. After picking up little man from the playground, we headed back to the lobby. There, the director came out of her office with a jar and two books.

The Jar.  She shared that the jar is a Love Jar for us, from all the kids in the school. It is filled with paper that is cut into the shape of mason jars and each child in the school decorated their own jar with their fingerprints or drawings or hearts or words just for us. The title of this post? One of the awesome jars I found in there.

The Beach Book. They made “Our Beach Book For Ms Meghan”. It’s filled with beach scenes, made with love. There are beach chairs, boats, fish, sharks, crabs, palm trees, lots of sand and the sun too. It’s…perfect.

The Book. All of the teachers and directors of the school wrote messages to Jacob in the book, “Mama, Will You Hold My Hand?” by Anna Pignataro. I was told to be ready for tears from the book but I imagine many will be from the notes to Jacob also. ❤

Amazing. As I hugged each of these incredible women, I couldn’t help but wonder how we ever became lucky enough to find this school. Not only do they adore Jacob and treat him like their own, they are unbelievably kind to us as well.  They are a part of our family and a reminder of just how blessed we are.

We are truly too blessed to complain. 💗

Getting organized!

I posted a few weeks ago about needing ideas for how to help organize the ridiculous amount of treatment related…stuff.  I received a call a few days later from Aaron, the owner of Bear Residential Construction in Zellwood. He explained that him and his wife read my blog and have been wanting to do something to help – and that helping with storage was right up his alley!  He asked to come by our house the following week to see what space we had and what supplies we were looking to store.  I was shocked and excited about the offer!!

Aaron stopped by last Monday, along with Mike from Team Gina. They were surprised at just how much stuff I actually have related to treatment – with more supplies for the PleurX Catheter on the way. They discussed options and thought that a large cabinet would be best, which we have the space for in our bedroom. It would allow us to consolidate all of my supplies, which are currently spread amongst the two bathrooms, a closet, my master bathroom sink and the top of the refrigerator, into one central location. I was giddy with excitement when they showed me what they had in mind and headed out to order supplies.

Aaron called me Friday to let me know that everything was on track and that they should be stopping over to install it today – which they did! Aaron and Mike ventured back over to our side of the town, bringing Tom from Team Gina with them, and with the trailer in tow. 

They spent a few hours installing the cabinet in our bedroom. They secured it to the wall, removed the baseboards so that it sits flush and even brought along childproof locks to keep Jacob out. The cabinet itself is amazing. They painted it to match the other cabinets in our bathroom, included adjustable shelves and it has TONS of storage space! It’s…incredible. It’s more than I ever envisioned and works perfectly to centralize all of my supplies – and in a place where I use them most!

In addition to the cabinet that they graciously supplied us with, they asked if we would like to join them for the weekend at the Team Gina Golf Tournament in April. Ummm…YES!!

AND!! We get to ride in the hot air balloon to help with the ball drop for the tournament. How cool is that?!

On top of the cabinet, the golf tournament and lots of laughs with the guys…they also gifted us a very generous donation towards my medical & prescription costs for this year.

To say that I am too blessed to complain would be an understatement. These men have made – and continue to make – a profound impact on my life and the life of my family. They are kind, caring, generous, loyal and funny. I am so blessed to have them in my life. 💚

Tonight’s blessings…

As I lay in bed tonight, I cannot help but smile. Today was not easy and honestly, I left the hospital in tears over the way my discharge was handled. It was after 8pm by the time we arrived home and to say that I was exhausted would be an understatement. But as I lay here surrounded by the dark of night, I am reminded of just how blessed I truly am.

I am blessed because…

I have the most amazing husband who stands by my side and sits through surgeries and holds my hand and fills my prescriptions and helps Jacob brush his teeth and makes sure I eat and drives me around and the million other things that this man does for me because he loves me.

There is a procedure available that allows me to deal with this fluid in the comfort of my home and before it becomes painful.

My in-laws adore Jacob and are more than happy to watch him – and he loves them just as much!

We came home to a sparkling clean house, courtesy of dear friends.

I have the ability for a nurse to come to my home and help teach Joe how to drain my lungs for as long as we need.

I could feel all of the prayers, positive thoughts and good vibes today. They swirled about me and my family, touched the hands of the surgeon and his staff and are helping to ease the pain from surgery. I have the most amazing support system that lifts me up and fills my heart.

So as I fall asleep tonight, it will be with a heart full of love from the incredible blessings that I am gifted with tonight & always.

#TeamRedPhoenix

Sweet gifts

Returning from vacation is never easy – it’s like you need a vacation to recover from vacation! 😉 I have updates to share but instead I want to focus on saying thank you.

This weekend, we returned from our cruise to an empty fridge. Of course this is expected, I certainly don’t want to waste food while away! So what did my dear friends do? They stocked my fridge. They each loaded up on fresh fruits & veggies – local & organic! – and helped to make sure that we came home to the most amazing array of fresh ingredients. We have been eating so wonderfully and will continue to because of the sweetness of many dear friends.❤

Then today, we arrived home after a long first day back to work to a surprise gift – someone sent me a Love Jar! Technically it’s called “a little jar of sunshine” and was sent to brighten my day – but it is absolutely filled with love! I just don’t know who to thank for such a thoughtful & wonderful gift- it was so sweet!

I also received a hand crocheted hat & glove set in metavivor colors! A sweet woman in Indiana hand made this set for me because I made a donation to Metaviver – how cool is that?!

So today, despite being a good yet trying day, was filled with some much love and sunshine. I have the absolute greatest friends anyone could ever dreamed of. Keep spreading that love!!

30 months…

I can’t help but laugh at the title. 😁😆😂😊 My sweet boy turned two and a half last night. How is that possible?!

I remember pregnancy, though it seems like a lifetime ago. I was blessed with the opportunity to become a mommy. As someone who once said she didn’t think she’d want a child – I don’t know what I was ever thinking.

I recall laying in bed next to Joe one night and feeling something like a fish swim up my belly real quick. It was gone in an instant and took me a moment to realize that it was my sweet boy stretching out in my belly.

 I remember laying on my couch one day while Joe was at work with my hand on my belly and feeling him push against the bottom of my round belly for the first time. Thinking about that moment still brings tears.

When driving or showering or picking out clothes, I used to talk to this sweet boy in my belly. Reading him books at night, mine or his, made me incredibly happy.

The first time he went to Life.Church in Albany, my belly danced along with the music. Every song, every beat, every lyric…this little light of mine was as happy as he could possibly be. He danced throughout my belly and didn’t stop for the entire service. I’d never experienced anything like it…it was like he was singing and praising along with me. I don’t think I stopped smiling that whole day.

I had crazy back pain suddenly on the 4th of July…come to find out, it was the beginning of his entrance into this world. I woke up just an hour or two after falling asleep and was convinced I had a sudden and severe kidney infection. I was googling it while running to & from the bathroom. I woke Joe up, convinced that I needed to go to urgent care. He hesitated before asking me if I was sure that I wasn’t having contractions. Well, shoot. I sure was…and they were already 5 minutes apart.

After a long birth and the doctor saying I may need to have a c-section, my little boy arrived in this world. I held him, instantly crying with Joe in tears by my side. Jacob, the name we decided on that morning because they needed to put something on the dry erase board, was bawling his beautiful first newborn cry. Through tears, as I held him in my arms for the first time, I told him how much I love him and wished him a very happy birthday…over and over again.

The last 2 1/2 years have not been easy. Those first few weeks of adjusting were hard, breastfeeding was a struggle initially and I thought all I did was mess up. As he grew and reached new milestones, I continued to be in awe of him. Everything about him shows how amazing he is. Even in my darkest moments, both before and after cancer, this boy has always found a way to brighten my day and remind me that this life is so incredibly special. 

Yesterday, we surprised him with a Mickey Mouse guitar because we saw it on clearance while picking up a prescription and knew he would love it. His smile was instant and he hasn’t put it down. Add in new sunglasses and flip flops for vacation and Mr Cool Kid was all set. Falling asleep with both of them is a testament to how much he loves them both.

As I lay here in bed, beyond exhausted from this challenging week and in a bit of pain, I am humbled. I am reminded that this little man, this sweet boy, this rockstar, this miracle…is mine. God knew the battle that Joe & I would face and he blessed us with this amazing gift to see us through it – every moment.

Jacob has his own thought process, has an infectious giggle and a kind heart. His smile goes on for days, he loves to play with his parents and he has a fierce love for his relatives.

He is my reason for never giving up. He is the reason I will fight with all that I have in me. He is why I push myself to be a better person. This boy that I call my son…he has my heart.