I want to be number 2.

I’m tired. I know, I know, I say that a lot. But I am. I thought it was because I was pushing myself towards normalcy and was excited for time off, despite appointments, to rejuvenate. I napped with Jacob almost every day for 2-3 hours at a time and was still ready for bed with him at 830pm.

I went to the checkup with my oncologist today. He spent lots of time with me and we talked about how I’m feeling. I expressed my tiredness to him. He asked if it’s something that I simply wanted to mention or if it’s gotten worst over the last 3 weeks. I said that I feel like it’s gotten worse, however I don’t know if it’s because I was off and I just had the opportunity to nap. Maybe I’m always that tired but don’t normally nap?

So we checked my blood count and my platelets, which have always been normal (even the low end of normal during chemo), were 80. The range is 139-361. Since I’ve never had platelet concerns, they did another blood draw, this time from my arm instead of my port. 86 this time. Well, darn. I guess that explains why I’m so dang tired! A quick review of the side effects of Afinitor and sure enough, there it is.

I go for my Xgeva shot next week so while my numbers aren’t low enough to warrant a transfusion yet, I’ll have them drawn again and an eye kept on them going forward. 

In other news, I was showing him my radiation burn (I swear it’ll heal someday…) and his jaw dropped. “Meghan. Do you have pictures of these skin lesions from before starting Afinitor?” Sure, somewhere. “These look significantly less inflamed than before…and didn’t you have more?!” Well…actually…

I had mentioned to Joe this past weekend that some of the cancer bumps on my chest seemed to be smaller and no longer red. I expressed that I didn’t know if it was my mind messing with me but the bumps on my side seemed smaller too.

I reached up and touched my right neck and said, “The Nurse Practitioner is having my scans include my neck at the end of the month. I had a swollen lymph node that could be easily felt. I can’t feel it today.” He reached up to feel my neck. “And it was there for a while?”  Yup. I looked up and he smiled brightly.

There are no words. There are MANY ups & downs in this life with cancer. Lately, it seems that I am fighting to find the right drug. Maybe, just maybe, this is it. He shared a story with me about his trip to the San Antonio Conference last month. One of the oncologists gave a speech about one of his patients that was triple negative and had been on Afinitor for the past 2 years. I smiled and said, “Well, I want to be number 2.” Please?

Who knows if it’s working. I had my tumor markers drawn today and I’ll have scans at the end of the month (though my doctor wouldn’t necessarily stop this drug at that point because it wouldn’t have been long enough…depending on the scans, of course) but today, this appointment brought me to tears. I want to be number 2. I want to be the reason that they start giving this drug people like me, who are triple negative, because it is saving lives. Because it will save mine. I hope & pray.

So today, I will snuggle my sweet boy and kiss my husband and believe that perhaps I have found a drug that will help me outlive the time I’ve been given.

Spread the love, my friends. Today is a good day.

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