When I was pregnant with Jacob, I was seriously emotional. My biggest weakness? Ugh, commercials. We typically have the tv on while getting ready for work in the morning. One morning there was a commercial where a man was proposing to a woman and first proposed to her daughter. I think it was a ring commercial. I’m watching it, bawling my eyes out, no longer concerned about getting dressed, when Joe comes running into the bedroom. “Dang it, you already saw it.” This sweet man had caught the beginning of the commercial in the other room and sprinted across the house in the hopes of turning it off before I saw it to save me from morning tears.
The truth is, I’ve been more emotional than usual this past week. I blame October. 😉 I’ve been on the verge on tears and find songs make me cry recently. Not today though. Today, I didn’t let the tears flow.
I saw my radiation oncologist and my oncologist for regularly scheduled checkups and expressed my concern with both of them about my skin. They are as concerned as me that my breast cancer is back and that the Xeloda has stopped working. So, today we say good bye to it. It’s had a good, short, run but its time with me is up.
I have IV chemo options, which are “standard” treatment options for me. However, my next step is to pursue clinical trials. I have reached out to the different centers that we have (thankfully!) visited and asked what my options are based on what we know. There are a few tests outstanding currently but we are moving forward with what we know now. Treatment isn’t as urgent as needing to start something this week, however I will need to start something within the next 2 – 3 weeks. Clinical trials take time, especially determining what I qualify for and the testing to determine that I actually do, which is why I’ve reached out immediately. I also learned today that a lot of clinical trials require that you only have one treatment as Stage 4, so I want to pursue them now versus later. The standard chemo we can store for another time.
Hearing confirmation of my suspicions is not awesome. But frankly, I am pround of myself for staying strong and focused today. My tears can come another day…and they will. But not today.
On a positive note, my skin will heal faster with the Xeloda out of my system. AND! My feet will begin to heal as well. Now those things are definitely worth getting excited about!!
I know this comes as a shock to many and for that, I am truly sorry. I had hoped for a longer run but this is not the drug for me. So, we move forward and find the one that is. It will take a lot of calls, tons of research and likely a few visits but we will find it. And it will work. Why? Because I have faith that it will. And with faith, we can move mountains.