Giving up

I woke up at 2am with another hot flash and the inability to fall immediately back to sleep. I sat up, with my head in my hands, and had a thought. I don’t want to do this anymore. I sighed. I hate this.

The thought lingered for a moment and in my hot, sleepy daze I thought about what that meant. What would it mean to not do another round of chemo? What would it mean to give in to my cancer? What would it mean to say I’m done?

It would mean giving up.

In that moment, despite the pain in my bones, the fog in my head and the queasiness of my stomach, I was angry. I was angry at my cancer, at my chemo, at my hot flashes…but mostly at myself. Giving up has never been – and will never be – an option. The thought isn’t allowed here.

Yes, these days and nights are hard right now.

Yes, this journey has a long and winding road ahead.

Yes, I am scared.

Yes, I am still fighting.

No, I will not give up.

This morning my little man woke up snuggled next to me in bed and started dancing. His eyes weren’t even open yet but he was wiggling his little tooshie to the sound of the song in his heart. I am reminded of the song that was in my heart on Thursday.

Today will be a great day.

Because I am here.

Because I feel a little better every day.

Because I am blessed.

Because I am loved.

Today will be a great day – because I will make sure it is.

Tell me, dear friends, how will you make your day great?

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2 thoughts on “Giving up

  1. It’s 05:15 here in the UK and I’m awake for reasons different from those that wake you. I start my 18 weeks of chemotherapy on Thursday and I can’t pretend I’m not scared but following your journey makes me believe I can get through it. You hang in there beautiful woman. You are a bright star in my dark night ahead.x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words!! Chemo is a journey all in itself but you WILL get through it. Stay strong and determined and know that there is an end! One minute, one hour, one day at a time…you got this!

      Like

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