I’m done being afraid

The other day, after asking me about my cancer, I heard an unusual reply. “You are a ray of light every time I see you walk into this room.” The response was unexpected and made me smile, especially given the fact that I wasn’t feeling like a ray of light to anything that day.

I mentioned earlier this week that I’ve been having a difficult time expressing myself. Writing out my thoughts and feelings in this blog helps me to release them into the world. It frees my spirit and cleanses my soul, just a little. This week I have been extra tired and cancer has been weighing heavily on my mind. I haven’t wanted to write out all of my thoughts, as I don’t want to be negative or pessimistic, though the reality is that some days are harder than others.

Last night, after I finished writing about Michael, I started searching through a bunch of old pictures to find the one of me and him. It was a serious blast from the past as I looked through pictures that were 8, 9, 10, 11 years old – my goodness! And they were all pictures taken after I met Joe. I was cracking up at some of the sillier ones and others brought a huge smile to my face as I remember trips taken and visits from family and friends. My college graduation, Joe’s 25th birthday in Las Vegas, Christmas with our grandparents…so many amazing memories that I haven’t thought about in a while.

After laying down for bed, both of my boys asleep, my mind shifted to the fears that have come to haunt me at night. I can’t help but let them in sometimes, especially when the world is quiet and dark. It hurts to even type the words. I am afraid. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of my family continuing on without me in it. I am afraid of my son growing up without his mommy. I am afraid of my husband losing his wife. I am afraid of the void that my sisters and my family and my friends will have if they lost me. I am afraid of all of the things that I would leave undone, untouched and unsaid. (And don’t forget the all-important – who will organize the filing cabinet?!)

As I laid in bed, I thought about my fears and all of the pictures I was looking at that brought back memories from the life that I have lived so far. And I thought about Michael and my post. He was taken too soon, way too soon. I was in the car that night. I was in the accident. I could have been taken too.

And that’s when it hit me. That’s when I remembered.

I. Am. So. Blessed. I AM SO BLESSED! I am able to wake up every single day. I have lived an incredible 31 years and I have DECADES to go! I have met the love of my life and we have created a wonderful life together – a life that includes the most incredible little man that I have ever laid eyes on. A life that is filled with love from family and friends – people that I am so lucky, so fortunate, to know.

I don’t know what the future holds. But what I do know is that I am blessed today and every day. I am here. And I am strong. And I am beating this. I won’t waste my energy on fear anymore. I won’t let it consume me. I will continue to be a ray of light.

I’m done being afraid.

And I feel better already.

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4 thoughts on “I’m done being afraid

  1. Ah Meghan, allow yourself those negative thoughts and tears as they cleanse you, you release them. You have the knowledge and power to know you are blessed, and that alone is a blessing…a strength that is powerful! I was chatting with our interim principal yesterday (she has retired but is filling in here while the district searches for a new principal) and she said these words, “The cancer was a blessing really!” As soon as she retired she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then she explained how that was so. It made me reflect on painful challenges and times through my life and how those times do change us and allow us to grow in ways we never knew! I work with several woman in this building who have beat cancer and are living full and healthy lives. You will get there! Every day that passes brings you closer to health! Hang in there love❤️ Prayers sent your way every day!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Meghan, it is not easy going through all of these fears you have mentioned. It certainly is not… but I am glad you have this blog to express your feelings and thoughts, which I also agree that releases us from their grab. I can see that going through these experiences and the accident also made you to see the positive things in the middle of the turbulence. For this I am extremely happy. All the best

    Liked by 1 person

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